Anxiety Forum

[cineman74]

Hi all,
Well, after posting here before, I'm realizing I just can't shake these emotions that have dogged me for almost three months.

In the midst of a temporary job back in May, I somehow just found the job really getting to me in a bad way. Since then, I've been out of work for a couple of months with few leads, and I'm at the age, my early 30s, where due to the splintering of friends and what not, am on my own or at home most of the time. I'd also just spent a year and a half with seven doctors and three medical maladies that have still never gotten a clear diagnosis.

At that time (May), I suddenly found myself very upset and venting in my head at people. This was extremely disturbing because I've always been known as, and tried to be, a really nice and kind person. No one would know what I was feeling unless I told them, as I was certainly trying to say and do nice things, but in my head, I felt like I had this impish voice that would just want to be a mean guy and offer an afterthought to something I'd just thought or I would see someone and automatically be hit by the same instincts.

The result of this has been has a very nervous, unconscious reaction to people, feeling anxious while around them or even just while watching TV. As a lifelong people person, this hurts. I worry a lot that I might somehow slip and my inner frustrations might come out into the real world or I feel so much guilt over the thoughts I've had. I chide myself or try to stop the negativity like a car braking to a screeching halt. People remind that we all have some awful thoughts and that thoughts don't hurt people, but for a very an analytical person, my thoughts feel like words, like they're really alive and mean something. I can't rationalize the idea that we think things we would never say, that they're any different.

The age old is that as with so many, the more I don't want to think something, the more I do and it's been recurring for months now.

I even got myself a therapist recently, but I still grapple with this daily. I know I'm not completely losing it, but my headspace is not only destroying who I've built up all these years, but make me feel like I'll never forgive myself. My rational mind knows it wants to get back to being who I was, but how can I fight this fear when the unconscious mind is going to provoke an instant reaction or constantly spin thoughts or emotions in my head at light speed?

What can I do when the unconscious always beats the conscious and how do I know I'm not changing into someone I don't want to be? I just want to turn my constant negative thoughts off and be me again.

I certainly welcome any and all thoughts. Thanks very much for reading.

Sincerely,
Ben