Anxiety Forum

[The Melody of Rain]

This is a thread for members to vent their thoughts upon any area other than anxiety. I shall begin:

Have any of you ever come across anyone who doesn't appreciate honesty? I certainly have. For specific reasons, I made a vow to myself in January that I would never lie about anything again. In fact, I even decided to call a few random people and tell them that I had lied to them in the past and did it. I wont venture too much intracity, but I'll mention two particular truth tellings and their respective consequences.

Roughly three weeks ago, I decided to call a girl I had lied to in order to tell her exactly what I had lied about and to apologise. The lie entailed deluding her from the fact that I had smoked marijuana before meeting her. We had arranged to meet, but I was in the middle of a serious bout of anxiety and depression. I had made these plans a month prior to the scheduled date (when I was feeling...ok, I suppose) but as the date grew closer the negative thoughts took control and so anxiety and depression set in. Now, I didn't want to let the lady down, so...I smoked a joint and drank five lagers before I left for her apartment. Bad idea; I took too much to handle. The night was a disaster because I could barely think straight and nearly vomited up my entire stomach. She asked me if I had taken anything before I went out, and I lied and said no. So, a number of months later I found out off a friend of hers that she thought I 'hated' her, so after I made the vow of perpetual honesty in January, I decided to call her and tell her the truth. She said it was fine, and we continued to talk. She was very friendly and nice for a few weeks, and then there was a short lapse in communication between us as I was busy with college and various other serious issues [nothing health-wise, as my anxiety has now completely vanished :] and then I receive a message from the lady asking me what I think of her and what I would like to become of our relationship together. I told her that I consider her a very great friend (we knew each other platonically for 2 years at this point) and that I would like to be closer to her, if at all possible. She told me that it would never work because she cant trust me. So, I said, "if you cant trust me, how come you trusted me enough to tell you the truth? You accepted it as truth, yet you claim to not be able to believe a word out of my mouth." She never responded, and I we haven't spoken since. It doesn't annoy me, as I told the truth. I didnt have to, but I did. I am happy in the knowledge that did the right thing. I was honest. I am an honest person.

The other incident I'll mention happened about an hour ago. A lovely woman from Dublin (about 15 minutes walk from my house, actually) added me on myspace about two weeks ago. She sent me a message yesterday telling me she liked me and would like to talk, and she included her moblie number in the message too. So, I thought about it for awhile and decided to text her this morning to get to know her first and then if we got on well I'd ask her out maybe the week after my exams end. Things were going great, we were talking about all sorts (although I must admit I was leading the conversation and felt as though I had to continuously ask questions in order to actually get information out of her, but thats not something that would turn me off a woman at all) and we eventually asked me out of the blue if I did drugs. I said that I was depressed and anxious in the past and had experimented with marijuana to ease the symptoms. She explained that she was very against drugs and drug users and that she doesn't wish to associate with people who do them. So, I explained that I do not do drugs, but I have in the past. She said. "I'd better go...". So, I thanked her for keeping me company and for the chat, and told her she could text me anytime she desired. I'm not expecting a text.

I always thought honesty was the best policy? Who exactly, if anyone, is in the wrong here? Have I done something wrong by being honest? Thoughts, please.
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Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity

[Dixxie]

[The Melody of Rain]

Well, as I was in the process of actually writing that post out this afternoon my phone beeped in the kitchen, so I finished writing this and checked it, and sure enough it was her asking me why I wasn't texting her back. I said I thought I might have put her off by being so open and she said no, that she respects my honesty and that she just thought I read like I was angry or busy or something. I think its the way I write, my wording seems very blunt or something.

Thanking you for your input Dixxie
_________________
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity

[The Melody of Rain]

Just one last thought on that particular issue. How would one avoid answering a question such as that? I should probably just have said no. It would have been the truth considering the question was tensed in the present and so the answer should have been too. Fuck.
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Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity

[Dixxie]

^ Why are you upset? This girl has given you a second chance....she is responding to you,.....There is no problem here, as far as I can see.

[joey9]

Hi Melody,

My opinion on the whole honesty issue is this: First of all, if you have just met someone then frankly your deeper personal issues are really none of their business, so until you really feel some kind of connection with someone you are under no obligation to talk about things in your past. Second, if you DO feel that things are going somewhere and its time to decide whether to talk about personal stuff you have two options. The first is to tell all and risk that they will be in some way offended and not like you any more. It could seem pretty tempting at this point to judge the other person's potential reaction to your 'news' and be selective with what you tell them. This option is all well and good especially as really, your past that doesn't involve that person in any way still isn't really anything to do with them, particularly at what would still be an early stage. However, if you really think that this person's opinion of your past might affect whether or not they want to be with you or not, then if you DON'T tell them you run the risk of spending the whole of your life waiting to be 'found out'. I don't know about you but I don't do guilt at all well. So the guilt of your past behaviour (whether it is warranted or not) becomes additional guilt of not having come clean, should they find out at some future point. Finally, if someone is offended about something that you have done in your past to the point where knowing this about you would make them not want to be with you, are you really suited? Someone who likes you enough to accept everything about you including your past is surely a much better bet. Of course all of this is much easier said than done.