Anxiety Forum

[shoe]

If you feel that someone in your life was a big contributor to the onset of your social anxiety or shyness, let us know who you think was the main 'perpetrator'

-dan
(thanks to dlia from my old SA board for this idea)

[duddits]

My father, because I always felt the need that I had to do things without any mistakes or just flawlessly. If I couldn't live up to that expectation he'd start yelling or trying to belittle me.
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Always,
James

My Other Sites: Social Anxiety Disorder

[babycristy]

My family, although it is not their fault. Weve had hard times and near-death situations with my father being very ill, since I was 7, so that set off my anxiety very early.

Since that, my parents because depressed and that made me depressed bc we hardly went out or socialized my friends and their parents. I guess they passed their anxiety on to me without realizing it...Or maybe not, Im not sure. But I know this time in my childhood played a part myanxiety.
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"People's Negativities Are Their Disabilities"

[Maggie May]

For me, other than genetics, I think bullies in grade school were the biggest contributing factor. I had three that tormented me relentlessly, two guys my age and this totally psychotic girl who was 3 years younger than me but just knew exactly what to say to make me feel like crap.

I later found out that one of the male bullies my age grew up to be a cop! How scary is that!?!

I have been working on the bully thing in therapy lately, my therpist uses a program called Developmental Needs Meeting. It's working pretty well.

Maggie
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"The definition of insanity is doing what you have always done and expecting something different to result." Albert Einstein

[soshy]

Both parents contributed, especially my poor mother. Parents divorced when I was a tot and mother was so out of her mind. She talked to people I never saw and was horrified to leave the house because of people who were after her (as I got older I realized no one was after her). She always kept the blinds closed and the doors locked. She would scream when the phone rang. We didn't have many visitors. So, as a tot I was scared because the person I needed was freaked out and no one else was around.

I can laugh a little bit about it now. Like when my mom would lock all the doors trying to keep us safe and she was so wrapped up in her nightmare that most the time I was ignored; well, she would lock me out of the house not knowing and I would hear her screaming my name all throughout the house while I was screaming for her to let me in cause the sun had gone down. I remember one time I was so scared because it was dark and couldn't get in, so I took my Barbie House and smashed the front storm door thinking for sure she'd hear that, but no! So, I went around the back and smashed that one in too! Still, no answer. Well, mom did open the front door at some point and thought someone was breaking in and called the police. When the police came she told them someone broke in and kidnapped me. The officers found me at the back door crying. Mother was pissed, scared and hysterical - like usual.

So, I can’t tell how much is genetic, meaning if my mother didn’t raise me. As for my poor Dad, he killed himself.

soshy

[shoe]

wow soshy, that's terrible to have gone through that. i can't imagine how scary it was to grow up living with a mom in that condition. and sorry to hear about your dad you're really strong to have gotten through so much and turned out normal (aside from the SA i guess)

[soshy]

Thanks for the response shoe. I know I went a little too descriptive regarding childhood, but I thought someone out there may have had a similar upbringing.

I did get over a lot of the terror associated with it all. And ya gotta admit the way my mom behaved only Quintin Terantino fans could relate with laughter. Some of it is really, really funny now. I do wonder how any child could have made it out of there and not be mumbling gibberish in a nut-house. I guess I'm lucky.

As for my Dad, he was a funny guy with a sad heart.

Someday, I'll tell what my mamma use to do when I was sick, but I'll give ya a break for awhile, BIG LOLs.

soshy

[Maggie May]

Hi Soshy,

Was your mom ever diagnosed with schizophrenia? Does she still act the same way now that you are grown up; you know, being afraid people are after her or thinking people are trying to break into the house, talking to hallucinations? How's she doing?

And by the way, it's not possible to "go too far" here in terms of talking about your symptoms and experiences. We've all experienced something that is similar. This is one place where you can really say what's going in with complete honesty. There's no judgement here.

With love,

Maggie
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"The definition of insanity is doing what you have always done and expecting something different to result." Albert Einstein

[soshy]

Hi Maggie:

I really don't know what my mother was diagnosed with or if she was ever at all. Her mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My mother has always avoided doctors unless she was physically sick. She's highly intelligent and despises any sort of discussion regarding her mental state; though she has been diagnosing everyone for years with a degree in anthropology and sociology. She adamantly denies having any mental disorder.

I believe she learned early on in her life what was socially acceptable behavior to keep from being institutionalized. At home she let loose. Oh God, did she let loose. Everyone in the family knew she was sick, but nothing was done. When my dad and his family tried to get custody of me, my mother threatened them. It worked - I won't go into the details. Only that it was a nightmare.

My mother does work as a social worker. She has good friends that I believe take care of her emotionally; one especially she is very close with and happens to be a clinical therapist. She still has fears like she use to but she doesn't escalate as high as she use to all the time. She knows when to not go into work. She started working late in life and I'm very proud of her and still very scared of her. I had to be the adult when I was a kid. It's a mother-daughter relationship I've tried for years to heal, cope with, and try to have something non-escalated. My therapist says the only way is to cut ties. That is really hard for me. My mother has a part of her that is very loving. She would kill for me, even if it meant me dying in the process. She has the worst rage. I've always been her verbal punching bag. I love her very much, but most times after talking to her I'm a mess. It's a tough subject.

Thanks for caring.

soshy

[thedarkness]

main perpetrator was the children in the elementary school
i suppose i looked weak and
i guess lots of people thought i looked weak because
until middle school i was always picked on in one way or another
i learned to keep to myself
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[SocialRetahd]

It seems that asshole kids have ruined our lives and made me very bitter.

[jitters]

Although I think I've always been an anxious person, I think my issues began to get worst with the introduction of my step father. A man of great expections and greater temper, all I wanted to do was to please the man to be treated as a son. Unfortunatly he saw me as some kind of a threat and would chastise me for anything he could think of this left me a very confused nervous teenager without a father figure to turn to. Anyhow I guess thats where the SP started but who knows I've only been truly certain of my condition for a month or so but I have had panic attacks since I was about 8.

Denile is not just a river in Egypt.

Duncan
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In a mad world only the mad are sane

Akira Kurosawa

[PanicSick]

Believe or not, the death of my mother did two things.

- It gave me panic attacks and anxiety (mostly fear of death)

- It forced me to wake up and do things on my own.

Of course, today when I look back at the last 15 years since she died I always tell myself I should have done this, not that, etc. But all in all it's a strange circle. Her death is the reason I'm here but also why I'm less shy in public. She was like a lighthouse for me. When she died, the fog just took over and I had to rely on my own compass so I wouldn't hit the shore so to speak. Very ironic how life is...

[juliana]

It's so sad how some people here have been damaged by others. I've promised myself that if I ever have children, I will do my best to be a positive force in their lives and raise them to be compassionate and empathic.

This is an interesting question for me because I don't think any people contributed to me developing social anxiety and agoraphobia. I was lucky.

Despite being a natural worrier from the time I was a little girl, I was extremely self-confident and outgoing. I never worried about what other people thought of me. Academics were easy for me and so was making friends. I was popular. I remember a teacher in high school singing "Free Bird" to me whenever I passed him in the hallway because I was such a free spirit and didn't seem to have a care in the world (even though I worried a lot, I didn't let it show). I never worried about social situations. I worried about nuclear war and disease and my family -- stuff like that.

My parents were very supportive and my mum praised me and my siblings constantly. We received very little criticism. When we were criticized or reprimanded, it was constructive and appropriate. I have wonderful parents. My mum had some psychiatric problems (PTSD and paranoia) when I was a teenager. My dad went away on a ship for 6 weeks at a time and my sister was already grown up and moved out of the house, so I was left to be the "mother" in our home most of the time. I can remember wanting to keep my mother's condition a secret from my friends, but it wasn't because of how it would reflect upon me. I felt like I needed to protect her because I knew how sensitive she was.

I was never a self-conscious person. I started performing (voice and piano) on stage in front of large crowds of people when I was 6 years old and never suffered from stage fright. I was always kind of oblivious (and still am) about what other people think of me. It's not really on my radar. I have no fear of public speaking. I don't really care what others think of me. I guess I'm too self-centred for that. The only "social" anxiety I ever had was a fear of throwing up in front of other people. I don't know where that came from -- maybe from being carsick so much during family vacations as a child -- but it didn't become a major phobia until 2000.

So, how did I end up sitting in my flat for over 3 years, too agoraphobic to step outside? I put it down to Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo -- a condition I developed in March of 2000 (on my 30th birthday). It turned my world upside down. I was constantly dizzy and the room would spin when I turned my head. The spinning made me very nauseous and I threw up a lot. My balance was severely affected and I fell down frequently. I had to hold onto walls to keep myself upright -- but the walls were often moving. I no longer felt safe in the world. I was throwing up so often, I was afraid I would throw up on a client in a meeting -- not a good way to make an impression. I would be walking along the street and suddenly the sidewalk would zoom up to hit me in the face. It got worse and worse. Eventually, my vision was so blurred, I couldn't work. I was a graphic designer and couldn't focus on a computer screen any more. It was dangerous for me to go anywhere. I couldn't even shower. If I tipped my head back, the bathroom would spin, so I had to get my sister to wash my hair for me so I wouldn't get seriously hurt. The reality I had trusted -- up is up and down is down -- was turned sideways, upside down and spun around and around. I also became extremely frustrated and anxious about the fact that I didn't have a diagnosis for a number of years. I had lost my job, my social life, my savings were gone and I was reduced to living on social assistance. It was upsetting and I felt hopeless and desperate. When I finally got a diagnosis, I fell into the 20% of patients who don't respond to treatment. I just had to wait for it to get better on its own.

After the physical symptoms of BPPV lessened, I was left with anxiety and fear. My safety zone had become so small and the world didn't feel safe or familiar anymore. I suffered from sensory overload. I couldn't stand movement, bright lights, lots of people, noise, etc. Those things would make me panic. I wanted to be alone in my flat. I believe BPPV and the way it limited my movement conditioned my mind and made me agoraphobic. I had never experienced a panic attack before my inner ear got damaged.

My agoraphobia is gone now and my panic attacks are much less frequent. I feel like I have gotten my life back. I am still nagged by worries of having a relapse of BPPV symptoms, though. It's one of my biggest fears.
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“Almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it is important that you do it.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi //// "I won't go back to living in a cage." ~ Marty Casey

[mirandao]

It's hard to pin down how it all started. For as long as I can remember I've had intense fear, oversenitivity and paranoid fears about how others were looking at or judging me. This got worse I grew older.

I voted for the parents option, though I don't really blame them that much. I feel that to some degree my sensitive disposion and relative immaturity to my peers led me to have great social anxiety from a young age. My parents made it worse simply by trying to protect me, over protect that is. I still can't use a telephone, I've grown so accustomed to them calling places for me that it feels terrifying when I do it now. I avoid anything axiety provoking when I can. I'm twenty years old, I'm reaching a cross roads at which I can't rely on them and now I have to jump in at the deep end of the pool.

I have a deep fear of the unknown and it's the engine of my anxiety, I do not know who's responsible for this and that makes it quite difficult to find some kind of guilty party. I can really only blame myself now.